Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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