Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
