You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
