I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
