Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
