Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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