I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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