3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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