I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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