it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
