so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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