i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
