My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
