I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
