They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
