Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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