if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
