Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
