i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
