all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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