I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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