Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
