WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
