he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
