The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
