Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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