So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
