You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
