Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
