It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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