After last night, I could never be a politician.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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