my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
