we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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