$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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