I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
