Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
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it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
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Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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