just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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