her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
