ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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