I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
