Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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