I just threw up on my dentist
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
