In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
