i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
