i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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