It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
