Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
