i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
