I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
