Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
