Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
