You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
