this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
