Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
