My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
