Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
