I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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